I’ve been looking for a clear answer to this question, but I can’t find any answers that satisfy me.
Growing up in the ’90s, I was correctly—but politically incorrectly—labeled a “spaz.” I used to throw severe tantrums any time, any place. I was worse than the kid from the birth control advertisements. My dad used to say if I shaved my head, it would have 666 marked on my skull like Damien in The Omen. Now that I’m a balding middle aged man, I can finally prove him wrong. I’ve got nothing up there but a couple moles and a peeling sunburn.
I’m certain you have witnessed the destructive nature of anger. You’re aware of the damage anger leaves in its wake. The words that cannot be taken back, the fear its violent power can evoke. How it escalates a problem, and then multiplies it. How it leaves an emptiness behind that only shame seems to fill. I don’t know of anyone who has ever flipped their lid and felt great about it. The wiring of anger and shame have too much overlap to get away scot-free, unless you’re a sociopath. In that case, skip this vignette. It won’t apply to you.
Anger Management and Mental Health: Why We Get It Wrong
In every Men’s Circle I’ve been a part of, the question of how to manage anger always comes up. There’s nobody easier for society to cancel than an angry man. An angry man is labelled dangerous, unstable, and at worse, abusive. Good men have no clue what to do with their anger. They try to neutralize it, sterilize it, minimize it, and ostracize it. But it still comes out on the basketball court, on the guy who cut you off in the bike lane, or when your partner asks you when you’re going to finally get around to refurbishing the coffee table like you said you would.
Women are equally confused about what to do with their anger. Society has no clue how to handle an angry woman. Is it empowering when she screams, pulls her hair, and breaks a vase? Or is it perceived as a crash out? Should she be praised, medicated, or locked away?
We have been unconsciously programmed to believe that anger has no place in our relationships. That it is taboo. That it will destroy our reputations if it creeps through the cracks of closed doors. That your partner needs to stop raising her voice if she wants you to listen. She needs to calm down. But is that really what she needs? Or is that just more comfortable for you?
Managing Anger: Is It a Primary or Secondary Emotion?
In psychology literature, anger is the most difficult emotion to categorize. In some cases, it’s considered a primary emotion. Meaning it’s the first thing you automatically feel in response to a stimulus. Other primary emotions are joy, fear, sadness, and disgust. Anger is considered a primary emotion in response to someone crossing a boundary of yours. But anger is also categorized as a secondary emotion, something that arises in response to the initial primary emotion.
Examples:
Anger as a primary emotion: Someone gets in your face in a conflict. Crossing your personal space boundary, anger is the first emotion felt. You feel a visceral desire to push them away.
Anger as a secondary emotion: You get caught cheating. The primary emotion you feel is shame for your actions. Anger is then triggered as a response to the shame. Its function is to cover up the shame, avoid feeling the discomfort of shame, to deflect blame, etc… The transmutation of shame to anger can happen in the blink of an eye. Shame is often felt unconsciously and needs to be uncovered.
When you’re actually angry in real life, are you going to stop and consider, “hmmm, is this primary or secondary anger?” Even if you could tell the difference, would it really help you in the moment? My guess is that you wouldn’t give a rat’s ass. Theory is all fine and dandy when you’re sitting on a couch with your therapist. In the speed and sloppiness of human interaction, we don’t always have the luxury of using logic or self-reflection.
A Healthy Way to Process Anger in Relationships
If you are fighting with someone you care about, my suggestion is to always treat anger as a secondary emotion. There’s a 99% chance that your anger is emerging in response to your fear, sadness, shame, disgust, or all of the above. And if it’s not coming from there, it’s likely coming from an old resentment that you’ve been suppressing and carrying with you. Treating your anger as a secondary emotion will invite you to go deeper and bring more vulnerable emotions to the surface. It will help you get past your own protective parts more quickly and allow you to heal and resolve the source of the issue without having to go through all the hoopla that pure anger can cause. That’s not to say you shouldn’t express your anger.
Healthy Expression vs. Unhealthy Ways of Reacting
Maybe you also need to allow yourself and others to snap once in a while. To understand the humanness behind their emotion and encourage it. One of the hardest things you can do in a relationship is hold space for someone who is irate. Have you ever tried to allow room for that emotion without stifling it? Have you ever said, “Tell me more, that must have really pissed you off!” or “It sounds like you’re angry right now, what’s coming up for you?”
No, you probably said, “lower your voice!” Or you matched their rage, shouted something unintelligible, stormed out, slammed the door, and then sent a series of self-righteous texts to let them know how offside they were. I’m not saying you should be a pushover and allow someone to be horrible to you. But sometimes, allowing space for them to be angry creates the space to move into the deeper, more vulnerable primary emotions once the anger has run its natural course. In a healthy relationship, you’re allowed to get pissed off from time to time. Both partners need to work on how they hold space for anger, while also having a backbone and not permitting pure slander or outright disrespect. Easy right? Not really.
Healthy Outlets for Anger: Learning From Internal Family Systems
Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a helpful strategy that may work for some. Through this model, anger is understood as a protective part, standing in front of a more fragile, younger part of you. A common interplay I’ve noticed in clients, friends, and in myself is something Michael and I call the inner bully. The bully stands in front of a more vulnerable part of you that’s holding onto feelings of unworthiness or helplessness. When you perceive your value or safety coming into question, the bully goes on the offense.
I had a client in my office recently who was so fed up with his bully, he declared his hatred for this part of himself. It was not in his nature, but he had spent the last two weeks snapping at his wife, his daughter, and his elderly parents who were visiting them for far too long. His mom and dad had been crammed into his small Toronto townhouse, firing at him a constant barrage of judgements, criticisms, and general unpleasantness. Despite being a family man in his late 50s, his inner bully came online strongly, protecting himself from the onslaught of negativity and taking it out on everyone around him.
We took a moment to move past his hatred towards the bully and its destructive nature. I offered the reframe that this part of him is a protector that has got him through a lot of difficult times. His feelings toward the bully instantly shifted from dislike to compassion and curiosity. As soon as he accessed that frame of mind, he could see an angry 12 year old boy clear as day, working on his father’s 1972 Z28 Camaro in his childhood garage. He described the clothes he was wearing down to a tee. A memory that had never surfaced before. As we brought curiosity and compassion to the boy, we realized that underneath his anger was a deep sense of sorrow. He felt like he was never accepted for who he was, that he was never smart enough, strong enough, or good enough. He felt like he had to rebel because his back was up against the wall. He was lonely and just wanted someone to understand him.
Anger in a Healthy Relationship
Richard Schwartz, the creator of IFS, suggests that a healthy way of navigating anger is by speaking for the part, rather than from it. Meaning, rather than blending with the part of yourself that is furious and seeing the world through its narrow worldview, the idea is to take a step outside of it and share what the angry part of you wants to communicate. Something of an anger translator. For example, rather than saying, “I’m about to bite your fucking head off if you make that stupid joke one more time!” You could say, “A part of me is getting really triggered when you make that joke”.
People often get angry at me when I suggest this strategy. They say, “Ya that sounds really nice and all, but how on earth can I access the part that can speak for it in moments when I’m triggered?” To that I answer something that infuriates them even more: “Practice.”
Ways to Express Anger Without Losing Yourself
We need to practice building awareness of our anger. To practice knowing that the anger we feel toward someone is extremely limited in its perceptions of a situation. We need to understand how our egoic parts operate, their level of maturity, and the wounds they carry.
If we understand that we carry a worthiness wound, we’ll be triggered when our status is questioned. If we have a belonging wound, we’ll get triggered when we perceive being left out. Get to know your wounds and work to heal them so the world becomes less triggering. Even so, getting triggered is inevitable. How you react is not. You can develop the skills to react differently, to stand up for yourself without the need to tear others down, and to have the awareness to know where your anger is coming from so you can get to the source faster. Then you can practice your vulnerability skills once you uncover what the anger has been hiding.
FAQs
1. What are healthy ways to express anger?
One of the healthiest ways to express anger is to stop treating it like a bad emotion that has no place in your life. Anger is a natural emotion. Like fear or sadness, it exists for a reason. The goal isn’t suppressing anger or trying to stay perfectly calm in every moment. A healthy way to approach expressing anger is to become curious about what it’s protecting. More often than not, the anger is covering deeper feelings like shame, fear, sadness, or hurt. Healthy expression isn’t about pretending you’re not angry, it’s about finding constructive ways to express what’s underneath so your relationships become stronger instead of more reactive.
2. How can I process anger instead of reacting to it?
A good place to start is to process anger as though it’s a secondary emotion. When you’re feeling angry, ask yourself what happened just before the anger showed up. Did you feel frustrated, rejected, ashamed, or threatened? Anger often emerges in response to perceived threats to your worth, belonging, or safety. Developing self awareness and emotional regulation helps you move beyond the first reaction and toward the root cause.
3. What are some unhealthy ways of managing anger?
Most unhealthy ways of managing anger have one thing in common: they avoid what’s really going on underneath. Suppressing anger, becoming passive aggressive, or having explosive outbursts may look different on the surface, but they often come from the same place. Instead of dealing with the vulnerable emotions underneath, the anger gets redirected onto your partner, a family member, or a complete stranger who cut you off in traffic. Over time, these patterns can end up damaging relationships because the real issue never gets addressed.
4. Is deep breathing enough for anger management?
Deep breathing is a useful tool because it helps regulate your nervous system in the moment, but it isn’t a complete anger management strategy. A brisk walk, physical exercise, and other healthy outlets can also help release pent up emotions and reduce the intensity of strong emotional reactions. But if you never process anger or explore why you keep getting triggered, you’re only treating the symptoms. Long-term mental health and emotional health come from building self awareness, developing emotional intelligence, and learning healthier ways to express difficult emotions instead of avoiding them.
5. How do I express anger in a healthy relationship?
Anger in a healthy relationship doesn’t mean nobody ever gets upset. It means both people learn healthy ways to express anger without attacking each other. One of the most effective ways to express what’s happening is to speak for the angry part of yourself instead of from it. Rather than saying something you’ll regret, try saying, “A part of me is getting really triggered right now.” That kind of healthy expression creates space for vulnerability instead of blame. With practice, this approach leads to healthier relationships, better anger management, and a deeper understanding of the feelings beneath the anger.
